Left Behind

Forgive the narcissistic existentialism but I find myself asking where I fit into the world and come away troubled. The thing is, I really don't have an answer for that. I really thought long and hard about it. I thought of the people I knew, friends, family, etc. and came to a kind of scary conclusion where I don't see where I fit in anywhere. Not really anyways.

I'm not saying that I don't have great friends and family who love me. I know that if given the choice, most of the people I know would say that they'd rather have me in their life than not. If I was to vanish tomorrow, if something happened and I were gone, sure people would miss me. Some would say that they preferred it better having me around, but in the end, my absence would in no way leave a void. I think about the relationships I have, the people I know and care for and have come to love and I see how their lives work. I see how certain individuals fit into their world that without them, the whole thing would be different. The way I see things, my existence is welcomed and appreciated, but in the end it's also just extra credit. And perhaps it's just, as I put it, narcissistic existentialism - but it's how I feel and to be honest, it doesn't feel good.

I feel guilty for saying this because I don't want anyone I'm close to to read this and think that I don't feel appreciated or that I want anyone to feel guilty or anything like that. And I love my friends and family. I do. So much. I just... I don't know, want to have more purpose to someone. I want to matter to someone like so many others matter to people. I want to feel as if I really fit in somewhere as an integral part rather than only everyone's extra credit.

So here I'm left lost in my thoughts. Thinking of all of those people I know who are more than glad to have me around and I feel torn. I'm not ungrateful and I don't mean to sound like I am. I don't hold anyone accountable or in contempt for not letting me be a piece of their puzzle. People, for the most part, have been giving me all they have to spare and I am truly blessed for that. I just can't help but feel a little empty and maybe a tad alone when I dwell too much on the subject.

I guess I just miss that level of importance and companionship I once had. In a way, even though I can be surrounded by people, I feel left behind, like at some point the world moved on without me and everyone is doing just fine. And reader, forgive me for getting religious on you, but I am a believer and I think that this way of thinking, while true in the worldly sense, leaves me much to pray about. Because, I know that in God I shouldn't feel so alone. I know that I should take solace in His grace and know that none of this really matters. I know I shouldn't be focusing so much on myself and for these reasons I pray that He will grant me the strength to reinforce my resolve and set my heart right on the things I should be concerned with rather than being so focused on unproductive distractions. Still, I feel the way I do now and wanted to at least get it off my chest, if only to a hidden away, unadvertised blog.