I'm Not Supposed To Be Here

I feel displaced. Well, I can't say that for sure. In a way it seems like it's the world that's displaced, like I know where I'm supposed to be and I know what people I should be around and what I should be doing with my life and in a way I am but in a way I'm also not. I just feel like, I don't know, like I'm where I was supposed to be yesterday but I'm not where I should be today. I can appreciate how all that I've experienced has made me and shaped me into this better, smarter, stronger, overall well rounded person but at the same time I also feel like it's time to move forward except I also feel as if I either don't know where to go, or really not so much that as I don't know how to get there. Some days it seems as if I'm just walking and walking, trying to get somewhere, and whenever I stop to look and see how far I've come lately, it's like all I did was end up back at the place I last set out from. I pray about it. I ask God, "Am I still supposed to be here?" Because I don't feel like I am. But then again is that feeling I have my own ignorance or hubris or am I intended to move forward. It's just so hard because I feel in my heart like I'm supposed to be moving forward and then I end up always back to the same place. I pray for answers and it always seems like the ones I get are the ones I'm incapable of accomplishing no matter how much I want to. And then I get frustrated and at times even a little angry; at people, at situations, at myself. I just want to feel right again. I want to feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I just wish I knew either what or how. I always talk about how my heart and my mind are always in disagreement. I get to a place where I can't decide which to listen to. All I can do is hope and pray for answers and to try to have a little more faith. I think that's a weak point of mine. Faith. Lately I'm discouraged too easily and I worry rather than have faith. I pray more for help than I do in thanks and praise. I suppose that's something new to think about. No. Not just to think about but to take action to remedy. They say the first steps are always the hardest. I suppose that's true when your walk is weighed down by a heavy heart.

Less and Less

I'm feeling like this more and more. I hate to sound so defeatist and I'm not saying I feel this way consistently everyday, I can still have my moments where I feel more hopeful but those moments are becoming rarer and as time passes lately, I am starting to feel like "I believe a little less and a little less and a little less and that... sucks."

 "What do I do about that Scherbatsky?"

Empty

"Empty"
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
And I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way ‒
So empty, so estranged?

And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings
I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?
Lay your blouse across the chair,
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain.
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us,
The quiet love we've made.

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged?

Well, I looked my demons in the eyes
laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me."
There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes, and some already dead that walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well, it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fires inside me

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged? 

Left Behind

Forgive the narcissistic existentialism but I find myself asking where I fit into the world and come away troubled. The thing is, I really don't have an answer for that. I really thought long and hard about it. I thought of the people I knew, friends, family, etc. and came to a kind of scary conclusion where I don't see where I fit in anywhere. Not really anyways.

I'm not saying that I don't have great friends and family who love me. I know that if given the choice, most of the people I know would say that they'd rather have me in their life than not. If I was to vanish tomorrow, if something happened and I were gone, sure people would miss me. Some would say that they preferred it better having me around, but in the end, my absence would in no way leave a void. I think about the relationships I have, the people I know and care for and have come to love and I see how their lives work. I see how certain individuals fit into their world that without them, the whole thing would be different. The way I see things, my existence is welcomed and appreciated, but in the end it's also just extra credit. And perhaps it's just, as I put it, narcissistic existentialism - but it's how I feel and to be honest, it doesn't feel good.

I feel guilty for saying this because I don't want anyone I'm close to to read this and think that I don't feel appreciated or that I want anyone to feel guilty or anything like that. And I love my friends and family. I do. So much. I just... I don't know, want to have more purpose to someone. I want to matter to someone like so many others matter to people. I want to feel as if I really fit in somewhere as an integral part rather than only everyone's extra credit.

So here I'm left lost in my thoughts. Thinking of all of those people I know who are more than glad to have me around and I feel torn. I'm not ungrateful and I don't mean to sound like I am. I don't hold anyone accountable or in contempt for not letting me be a piece of their puzzle. People, for the most part, have been giving me all they have to spare and I am truly blessed for that. I just can't help but feel a little empty and maybe a tad alone when I dwell too much on the subject.

I guess I just miss that level of importance and companionship I once had. In a way, even though I can be surrounded by people, I feel left behind, like at some point the world moved on without me and everyone is doing just fine. And reader, forgive me for getting religious on you, but I am a believer and I think that this way of thinking, while true in the worldly sense, leaves me much to pray about. Because, I know that in God I shouldn't feel so alone. I know that I should take solace in His grace and know that none of this really matters. I know I shouldn't be focusing so much on myself and for these reasons I pray that He will grant me the strength to reinforce my resolve and set my heart right on the things I should be concerned with rather than being so focused on unproductive distractions. Still, I feel the way I do now and wanted to at least get it off my chest, if only to a hidden away, unadvertised blog.