Stagnantly Stag

Well I'm back. It's been six months. My longest hiatus I think. I need a plan. I'm not sure what that plan is. I'm not even sure what this blog post is about. I usually go into these things with a clear idea on what I'm going to talk about but instead I'm just stringing together sentences as they come to me. I'm starting to feel stagnant again. I've been here before. Maybe I already wrote about it? I can't even remember after all the posts I've made after nearly 3 years now.

Wow!

3 years?! Really!? Has it been that long? My first thought is a defeatist one where I contemplate how little I've done in (almost) 3 years. But then again I guess I could rattle off all of the things I have accomplished and how I really have made great strides in the last 3 years. I've gotten so much of my shit together. I lost all that unwanted weight. I got a more fulfilling job which subsequently put me in a much better financial situation. I have loved and been loved. I discovered that at 30 there are still plenty of firsts out there to experience and enjoy! I am better with money now than I ever was. I learned how to maintain being a responsible adult while at the same time learning that it's okay to let loose and blow off steam once in a while. I'm looking like I might be ready to finally buy a house again after my current lease is up. I keep trying. And I've been known to not only make other people smile, but ever so often allow myself to do the same.

I'm still here though. I still have come back to that aforementioned stagnant feeling. I guess it's just that while I have made all of these improvements and I'm a better overall person for it, I still am not where I want to be. I never changed my mind on what I wanted. I never got used to being on my own. I just learned to deal with it the same way addicts learn to cope. One day at a time I live my life having good days and bad days but always trying to manage myself without getting my fix. The thing is though, is what I want isn't a bad thing. A healthy relationship with someone who regards you as something so important that they are willing to rewrite the life they live to incorporate you in it. I miss that level of comfort and intimacy. I miss having that kind of best friend.

So I'm to a point again where it feels like there's a strong possibility that it will never happen. And its getting to a point to where It's begun to change me. I've gotten so used to sitting around a table with my friends and share some food and drinks and tell them the long story of my latest conquest and all of its successes and failures; but now, I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I'm tired of telling these stories where the ending is always the same and I end up on my own once again. I don't want to tell the stories anymore because I feel like they're just getting old and tired and, well, pathetic. I feel like the only conversations I have anymore often involve me losing. I know my friends love me and are here for me, but after so many stories about losing, it's hard to not to start to feel not only like you're a loser, but that they might start to think the same about you.

I don't want to look like that to people. I don't want to be that guy that can't get the girl no matter how well the story seemed to be going for him. I don't want to look broken. I want to look better. I know the person I am when I'm with someone who reciprocates my feelings. He's a winner. An all around great guy so full of awesome that everyone around him can't help but be glad he's around. And actually, given all of the self improvements I've made, he'd be the best version of himself he's ever been. I wanna be that guy. And so, I figure that if I try to look like him, even if it's a facade, then maybe it'll help me display more of what could be and not the incomplete mess I feel like right now.

I don't know if that's a good idea but it's all I got right now. I don't know what to do or where to go. It's been a bad weekend and I'm talking to you right now because I feel like there isn't anyone else to talk to. This is the part where I usually come to some point of clarity and wrap everything up, but not this time. This time I just don't know. Maybe by the time you find this, whoever you are, I will have figured it out.

Times Past

Okay readers, new rule: I am no longer allowed to watch or read any sort of entertainment media involving a half way decent romance, be it main or subplot, unless a qualified person certifies that I am in the right state of mind to do so. Today I watched the movie, "Friends With Kids" on my iPad while I'm stuck in a hotel in Salt Lake City on business.
It was a bad idea.
I've been homesick and fairly lonely being away from home for so long (the trip is 2 weeks long and I'm at the tail end). Being away from all the people and places I love makes me begin to dwell and an active brain in this head of mine can sometimes lead to trouble if I start to think too hard on things and this movie got me thinking. The nature of my relationships, I begin to fear, may never be as good as they ever were.
Let me explain.
When the movie was over, well... not to spoil anything, but it was abrupt and somewhat open ended as far as movies go and I felt that it called for discussion. When I say that, I mean that I had things to say, opinions to bounce off someone and a general need to connect with someone on an plane that while intellectual, also finds itself in a place of familiarity, comfort and well... love. You see this used to be one of my most favorite things to do with my ex-wife and the ex-girlfriend before her. And it wasn't just because we were romantically linked, we were best friends.
And that's the other the thing the movie brought up.
The two principles started out as best friends and old friends at that. And it occured to me, I think the chance of connecting with a woman on such a plane as I have in the past is now beyond my prospects moving forward. I remember the summer before my senior year of high school how Courtney and I did everything together. We were inseperable and we were just friends, friends with subtext perhaps, but still strictly platonic. And then one day, after summer was over, I was back in school and she was starting college and life was going back to normal. And then the next she came back out of nowhere and confessed that our friendship was a bigger deal than she realized and that there wee real feelings there and we started dating and it was this amazing thing - being young and in love with your best friend and your whole life ahead of you. And then even a couple of years later when that didn't work out, I was still only 20 and there was still time. I had already maintained a friendship with Mandy for years and we had a unique history of our own so when that relationship blossomed, it seemed like I still got to end up with my best friend after all. Sadly, after almost a decade together, even that proved a bitter dissappointment.
So now here I am, less than six months to thirty and it occurs to me: if I am ever so lucky enough to fall in love again, to find someone who could love me back, well that's fucking great! In all honesty it's what I make no secret of what I want, but I've come to the unfortunate conclusion though, that my chances of ending up with an old best friend are now gone. There is only one person in the world left that I could ever see playing that part as far as I'm concerned and that one gal is also someone who very specifically told me, upon my return to AZ at the end of 2010, that such a thing was out of the question. I don't necessarily mourn her decision, truth be told she's not even really around anymore. Don't confuse my reasons for this post, this is not about that woman in question, only the unrecoverable times past to obtain what is now forever out of reach - be it her or any other posibility that will forever remain unknown.
The only thing I guess I really mourn is my youth and all could have been had I been just a litle bit smarter or had just a little bit better timing or maybe just made a few better decisions. Still, I know dwelling on the past does us no good, except maybe in learning from it and moving forward. Just because someone didn't grow up with me or didn't know me from before doesn't mean we can't be in the type of relationship I crave. And while the chances of having an established friendship before hand is apparently less likely as you get older, I suppose love can still exist and be beautiful and amazing and fulfilling and all those other wonderful things. Still, for at least tonight while I'm exiled to this Utah Hampton Inn, I'm going to be throwing myself a pity party. So long youth and all that could have been, in that, we hardly knew ye.

UPDATE: So last weekend I went out and randomly happened to meet one of the most beautiful girls I've seen in a long time that isn't on TV. She was sweet and charming and fun and as such, I let my imagination run a little. I imagined this fairy tale where we ended up falling for each other. Truth be told, it was nice meeting her and all but the fact of the matter is I'll probably never see her again. The how and why of that are not important, what is important is how I later related my one time chance encounter to this blog post. Now I won't say that she was my perfect match. How could I know after meeting her and only spending one evening together? But the idea I put in my head, the idea of her as a perfect match gave me the insight to entirely invalidate all I was mourning in this blog. It doesn't matter when I meet the right girl as long as she is right girl. After that it all works itself out to be it's own uniquely tailored kind of perfect, and that's all I'm really asking for. 

Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose

I'm Not Supposed To Be Here

I feel displaced. Well, I can't say that for sure. In a way it seems like it's the world that's displaced, like I know where I'm supposed to be and I know what people I should be around and what I should be doing with my life and in a way I am but in a way I'm also not. I just feel like, I don't know, like I'm where I was supposed to be yesterday but I'm not where I should be today. I can appreciate how all that I've experienced has made me and shaped me into this better, smarter, stronger, overall well rounded person but at the same time I also feel like it's time to move forward except I also feel as if I either don't know where to go, or really not so much that as I don't know how to get there. Some days it seems as if I'm just walking and walking, trying to get somewhere, and whenever I stop to look and see how far I've come lately, it's like all I did was end up back at the place I last set out from. I pray about it. I ask God, "Am I still supposed to be here?" Because I don't feel like I am. But then again is that feeling I have my own ignorance or hubris or am I intended to move forward. It's just so hard because I feel in my heart like I'm supposed to be moving forward and then I end up always back to the same place. I pray for answers and it always seems like the ones I get are the ones I'm incapable of accomplishing no matter how much I want to. And then I get frustrated and at times even a little angry; at people, at situations, at myself. I just want to feel right again. I want to feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I just wish I knew either what or how. I always talk about how my heart and my mind are always in disagreement. I get to a place where I can't decide which to listen to. All I can do is hope and pray for answers and to try to have a little more faith. I think that's a weak point of mine. Faith. Lately I'm discouraged too easily and I worry rather than have faith. I pray more for help than I do in thanks and praise. I suppose that's something new to think about. No. Not just to think about but to take action to remedy. They say the first steps are always the hardest. I suppose that's true when your walk is weighed down by a heavy heart.

Less and Less

I'm feeling like this more and more. I hate to sound so defeatist and I'm not saying I feel this way consistently everyday, I can still have my moments where I feel more hopeful but those moments are becoming rarer and as time passes lately, I am starting to feel like "I believe a little less and a little less and a little less and that... sucks."

 "What do I do about that Scherbatsky?"

Empty

"Empty"
She lifts her skirt up to her knees
Walks through the garden rows with her bare feet, laughing
And I never learned to count my blessings
I choose instead to dwell in my disasters

Walk on down the hill
Through grass grown tall and brown
And still it's hard somehow to let go of my pain
On past the busted back
of that old and rusted Cadillac
That sinks into this field collecting rain

Will I always feel this way ‒
So empty, so estranged?

And of these cut-throat busted sunsets,
these cold and damp white mornings
I have grown weary
If through my cracked and dusted dime-store lips
I spoke these words out loud would no one hear me?
Lay your blouse across the chair,
Let fall the flowers from your hair
And kiss me with that country mouth so plain.
Outside the rain is tapping on the leaves
To me it sounds like they're applauding us,
The quiet love we've made.

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged?

Well, I looked my demons in the eyes
laid bare my chest, said "Do your best, destroy me.
You see, I've been to hell and back so many times,
I must admit you kind of bore me."
There's a lot of things that can kill a man
There's a lot of ways to die
Yes, and some already dead that walk beside me
There's a lot of things I don't understand
Why so many people lie
Well, it's the hurt I hide that fuels the fires inside me

Will I always feel this way
So empty, so estranged? 

Left Behind

Forgive the narcissistic existentialism but I find myself asking where I fit into the world and come away troubled. The thing is, I really don't have an answer for that. I really thought long and hard about it. I thought of the people I knew, friends, family, etc. and came to a kind of scary conclusion where I don't see where I fit in anywhere. Not really anyways.

I'm not saying that I don't have great friends and family who love me. I know that if given the choice, most of the people I know would say that they'd rather have me in their life than not. If I was to vanish tomorrow, if something happened and I were gone, sure people would miss me. Some would say that they preferred it better having me around, but in the end, my absence would in no way leave a void. I think about the relationships I have, the people I know and care for and have come to love and I see how their lives work. I see how certain individuals fit into their world that without them, the whole thing would be different. The way I see things, my existence is welcomed and appreciated, but in the end it's also just extra credit. And perhaps it's just, as I put it, narcissistic existentialism - but it's how I feel and to be honest, it doesn't feel good.

I feel guilty for saying this because I don't want anyone I'm close to to read this and think that I don't feel appreciated or that I want anyone to feel guilty or anything like that. And I love my friends and family. I do. So much. I just... I don't know, want to have more purpose to someone. I want to matter to someone like so many others matter to people. I want to feel as if I really fit in somewhere as an integral part rather than only everyone's extra credit.

So here I'm left lost in my thoughts. Thinking of all of those people I know who are more than glad to have me around and I feel torn. I'm not ungrateful and I don't mean to sound like I am. I don't hold anyone accountable or in contempt for not letting me be a piece of their puzzle. People, for the most part, have been giving me all they have to spare and I am truly blessed for that. I just can't help but feel a little empty and maybe a tad alone when I dwell too much on the subject.

I guess I just miss that level of importance and companionship I once had. In a way, even though I can be surrounded by people, I feel left behind, like at some point the world moved on without me and everyone is doing just fine. And reader, forgive me for getting religious on you, but I am a believer and I think that this way of thinking, while true in the worldly sense, leaves me much to pray about. Because, I know that in God I shouldn't feel so alone. I know that I should take solace in His grace and know that none of this really matters. I know I shouldn't be focusing so much on myself and for these reasons I pray that He will grant me the strength to reinforce my resolve and set my heart right on the things I should be concerned with rather than being so focused on unproductive distractions. Still, I feel the way I do now and wanted to at least get it off my chest, if only to a hidden away, unadvertised blog.