Well I'm back. It's been six months. My longest hiatus I think. I need a plan. I'm not sure what that plan is. I'm not even sure what this blog post is about. I usually go into these things with a clear idea on what I'm going to talk about but instead I'm just stringing together sentences as they come to me. I'm starting to feel stagnant again. I've been here before. Maybe I already wrote about it? I can't even remember after all the posts I've made after nearly 3 years now.
Wow!
3 years?! Really!? Has it been that long? My first thought is a defeatist one where I contemplate how little I've done in (almost) 3 years. But then again I guess I could rattle off all of the things I have accomplished and how I really have made great strides in the last 3 years. I've gotten so much of my shit together. I lost all that unwanted weight. I got a more fulfilling job which subsequently put me in a much better financial situation. I have loved and been loved. I discovered that at 30 there are still plenty of firsts out there to experience and enjoy! I am better with money now than I ever was. I learned how to maintain being a responsible adult while at the same time learning that it's okay to let loose and blow off steam once in a while. I'm looking like I might be ready to finally buy a house again after my current lease is up. I keep trying. And I've been known to not only make other people smile, but ever so often allow myself to do the same.
I'm still here though. I still have come back to that aforementioned stagnant feeling. I guess it's just that while I have made all of these improvements and I'm a better overall person for it, I still am not where I want to be. I never changed my mind on what I wanted. I never got used to being on my own. I just learned to deal with it the same way addicts learn to cope. One day at a time I live my life having good days and bad days but always trying to manage myself without getting my fix. The thing is though, is what I want isn't a bad thing. A healthy relationship with someone who regards you as something so important that they are willing to rewrite the life they live to incorporate you in it. I miss that level of comfort and intimacy. I miss having that kind of best friend.
So I'm to a point again where it feels like there's a strong possibility that it will never happen. And its getting to a point to where It's begun to change me. I've gotten so used to sitting around a table with my friends and share some food and drinks and tell them the long story of my latest conquest and all of its successes and failures; but now, I just don't feel like doing it anymore. I'm tired of telling these stories where the ending is always the same and I end up on my own once again. I don't want to tell the stories anymore because I feel like they're just getting old and tired and, well, pathetic. I feel like the only conversations I have anymore often involve me losing. I know my friends love me and are here for me, but after so many stories about losing, it's hard to not to start to feel not only like you're a loser, but that they might start to think the same about you.
I don't want to look like that to people. I don't want to be that guy that can't get the girl no matter how well the story seemed to be going for him. I don't want to look broken. I want to look better. I know the person I am when I'm with someone who reciprocates my feelings. He's a winner. An all around great guy so full of awesome that everyone around him can't help but be glad he's around. And actually, given all of the self improvements I've made, he'd be the best version of himself he's ever been. I wanna be that guy. And so, I figure that if I try to look like him, even if it's a facade, then maybe it'll help me display more of what could be and not the incomplete mess I feel like right now.
I don't know if that's a good idea but it's all I got right now. I don't know what to do or where to go. It's been a bad weekend and I'm talking to you right now because I feel like there isn't anyone else to talk to. This is the part where I usually come to some point of clarity and wrap everything up, but not this time. This time I just don't know. Maybe by the time you find this, whoever you are, I will have figured it out.
