It was a bad idea.
I've been homesick and fairly lonely being away from home for so long (the trip is 2 weeks long and I'm at the tail end). Being away from all the people and places I love makes me begin to dwell and an active brain in this head of mine can sometimes lead to trouble if I start to think too hard on things and this movie got me thinking. The nature of my relationships, I begin to fear, may never be as good as they ever were.
Let me explain.
When the movie was over, well... not to spoil anything, but it was abrupt and somewhat open ended as far as movies go and I felt that it called for discussion. When I say that, I mean that I had things to say, opinions to bounce off someone and a general need to connect with someone on an plane that while intellectual, also finds itself in a place of familiarity, comfort and well... love. You see this used to be one of my most favorite things to do with my ex-wife and the ex-girlfriend before her. And it wasn't just because we were romantically linked, we were best friends.
And that's the other the thing the movie brought up.
The two principles started out as best friends and old friends at that. And it occured to me, I think the chance of connecting with a woman on such a plane as I have in the past is now beyond my prospects moving forward. I remember the summer before my senior year of high school how Courtney and I did everything together. We were inseperable and we were just friends, friends with subtext perhaps, but still strictly platonic. And then one day, after summer was over, I was back in school and she was starting college and life was going back to normal. And then the next she came back out of nowhere and confessed that our friendship was a bigger deal than she realized and that there wee real feelings there and we started dating and it was this amazing thing - being young and in love with your best friend and your whole life ahead of you. And then even a couple of years later when that didn't work out, I was still only 20 and there was still time. I had already maintained a friendship with Mandy for years and we had a unique history of our own so when that relationship blossomed, it seemed like I still got to end up with my best friend after all. Sadly, after almost a decade together, even that proved a bitter dissappointment.
So now here I am, less than six months to thirty and it occurs to me: if I am ever so lucky enough to fall in love again, to find someone who could love me back, well that's fucking great! In all honesty it's what I make no secret of what I want, but I've come to the unfortunate conclusion though, that my chances of ending up with an old best friend are now gone. There is only one person in the world left that I could ever see playing that part as far as I'm concerned and that one gal is also someone who very specifically told me, upon my return to AZ at the end of 2010, that such a thing was out of the question. I don't necessarily mourn her decision, truth be told she's not even really around anymore. Don't confuse my reasons for this post, this is not about that woman in question, only the unrecoverable times past to obtain what is now forever out of reach - be it her or any other posibility that will forever remain unknown.
The only thing I guess I really mourn is my youth and all could have been had I been just a litle bit smarter or had just a little bit better timing or maybe just made a few better decisions. Still, I know dwelling on the past does us no good, except maybe in learning from it and moving forward. Just because someone didn't grow up with me or didn't know me from before doesn't mean we can't be in the type of relationship I crave. And while the chances of having an established friendship before hand is apparently less likely as you get older, I suppose love can still exist and be beautiful and amazing and fulfilling and all those other wonderful things. Still, for at least tonight while I'm exiled to this Utah Hampton Inn, I'm going to be throwing myself a pity party. So long youth and all that could have been, in that, we hardly knew ye.
UPDATE: So last weekend I went out and randomly happened to meet one of the most beautiful girls I've seen in a long time that isn't on TV. She was sweet and charming and fun and as such, I let my imagination run a little. I imagined this fairy tale where we ended up falling for each other. Truth be told, it was nice meeting her and all but the fact of the matter is I'll probably never see her again. The how and why of that are not important, what is important is how I later related my one time chance encounter to this blog post. Now I won't say that she was my perfect match. How could I know after meeting her and only spending one evening together? But the idea I put in my head, the idea of her as a perfect match gave me the insight to entirely invalidate all I was mourning in this blog. It doesn't matter when I meet the right girl as long as she is right girl. After that it all works itself out to be it's own uniquely tailored kind of perfect, and that's all I'm really asking for.
Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Lose
